Today was Dick's memorial service. His life ended quietly a few days after my last post. He wished to be at home and his wife cared for him in a personal act of love that chokes me up even as I type this. It was very hard on her and she didn't blink once.
I was fortunate enough to be able to visit twice a day or so those last few days to help reposition Dick so he would be comfortable and to share a few words between his increasingly frequent naps. On the day he passed, we had one final time where he and I connected and he rose from his dream like state. He was too weak to speak, but he could manage a small nod, and could squeeze my hand as I told him of my progress against the list of things I promised to take care of for him. I am so grateful we had this time.
Today was a beautiful day here in the valley, and in accordance with his wishes, his friends and family gathered at his home to celebrate each other and remember Dick.
He was quite a character, so I will share a little of his personality.
First we all new that if you baked cookies, they were not safe around Dick. He loved cookies and held the belief that the only reason you would have cookies is to share them, so he would help out any time he could.
Dick bought an airplane to cure his fear of heights (and then took flying lessons after he bought the plane). He told me that he would have quit if he had not spent the money on the plane first, and that is why he did it the way he did. He later became instrument flight rated (so you could fly in inclement weather), and true to Dick, he used the plane to get to areas that had good garage sales so he could get a great deal on second hand items. Did I mention that he was "value conscious" with his money?
Dick was generous with family and friends, but very frugal elsewhere. He called several places and negotiated a "good deal" on his own arrangements for after his death. We had to laugh at that. Of course he did.
When he graduated college (with his MS in Engineering, the MBA came later) he took a 10,000 mile bike ride around the US, camping as he went, so he could see the country.
When in college, he learned that the airlines gave discounts to priests. Since he attended a Catholic university in California, getting the Jesuit shirt and collar was not that hard. He wore it to the airport, and sure enough the airline gave him a discount. He never claimed to be a priest, and the person behind the counter asked him if he would like a discount on his ticket. He answered, "Yes, I would like a discount." and that was it. It worked out to one extra trip home from California that year.
There were several other stories of his quirky humor that came out, but the best part about him was that he was a great Father, man, and friend. I am grateful for the 17 years we had.
My thoughts for any who read this are these:
If you have someone you care about and they are dying, don't pull away. It will hurt just as bad or worse if you do pull away, but you may find some peace by slugging it out to the end with them.
My sister worked in oncology in a couple of different Hospitals and told me it was common for people to separate themselves from the dying at the end. I didn't want to be "that guy".
My sister is way too kind and empathetic to work in such an environment, yet somehow she survived. She didn't want people to be alone at the end so she "adopted" some folks (and paid the price) so they would not be lonely in their final days. She was my example.
There are many sources in print and online to help you understand the changes your sick friend's body will go through, as well as their needs mentally from family and friends to help them achieve peace before they go.
For me, knowing what physiological things would occur made it less fearful for me (even though I have seen it before, I needed to refresh my knowledge on the process). This allowed me to be at ease with those changes in his body and concentrate on his comfort and his mind.
Today was a good day.
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